


Intimating Affection

by TheAlmightyAndPowerfulCheerio



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst- but it's okay, M/M, Misunderstandings, idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 09:02:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlmightyAndPowerfulCheerio/pseuds/TheAlmightyAndPowerfulCheerio
Summary: Tenzou and Kakashi don't talk- and sometimes intimating isn't enough.Especially when they're not as in-tune as they think they are.





	Intimating Affection

**Author's Note:**

> This probably sucks, but I like it, so here it is. XD

It's the silent seconds at 2 am that make Tenzou's heart, ache. It's the way the words dance on the tip of his tongue, and die in the void between them. Surrendering themselves to the knowledge that right here, right now is not the time. And that the truth is- it's never their time.

These words will never see the blush of morning or the beauty of a setting sun. Never taste warm lips the way they should. Will never know their reflection the way they long to.

They will only exist in the night, slinking in the unsaid. Hovering over his head, and this bed, until he swallows them back down in shame and rolls over. Pretending sleep when the man next to him shifts. When the man next to him sits up and casts the sheets off of himself in order to tug his clothes back on and disappear.

 _Kakashi's always been good at that._ Tenzou thinks, just like he always does. Wondering if he himself will ever be able to leave with the sort of ease Kakashi's so accustomed to.

And it only hurts more, because this routine of theirs isn't even a routine anymore, but a habit. A terribly bad habit that Tenzou can kick for a day, but not five. And when the jounin comes back, quiet and intense, with his hot mouth and pressing body, Tenzou’s always so eager to give in. Always so inviting to the night terror that lounges in his bed. That's made itself a second home in his body.

“ _Kakashi_ -” he manages, but it's too late; the man is gone, and with him goes all of Tenzou's courage.

Their eyes lock when they pass in the village and Tenzou's quick to look away. Quick to try and evade the friendly hand that he knows will be on him in a moment. And it is- snaking over his skin and leaving him with a gaping wound right there in the middle of the village square.

Because the man who shared a bed with him only hours before only spares a single, secret, touch on him now. And his hand is like a blade burying itself in Tenzou’s side, so that he's left limping his way back to his apartment. Retreating to lick his wounds in the cover of an empty house. Hating that his body is so excited and his mind so tired.

He stays away from Kakashi and his apartment for days. Signing himself up for a strenuous mission and pleased when the task before him requires all of his concentration.

And for a few days, he forgets. Doesn't remember the brush of cool lips against his own. Doesn't remember his name, or scent, or anything else that's not _surviving_.

But once he's back, that familiar stinging returns. Because not a second later and Kakashi's eyes are on him like candles. Flickering, consuming, blazing fires that seek to burn him alive and keep him shivering once they're satisfied.

 _It's not fair._ Tenzou thinks, and never voices, because Kakashi can leave him so easily, speak so freely, and he's left stumbling- tripping over legs that had been turned to jelly moments before by clever fingers.

And Kakashi's a master at forgetting- or repressing, but Tenzou's never been the genius that Kakashi is. Can't shut down his emotions any longer now that he's free of Root.

“I think-” he starts, wanting to say he thinks they should stop, just like Kakashi hints every time they finish. But he means it more than the other man. Kakashi only mentions it out of necessity. Out of that guilt and uncertainty that plague him every time he enters. Because it's always Kakashi who comes back like clockwork and then pretends he doesn't.

Kakashi pauses, his back still facing Tenzou. Head slightly turned as if to say ‘Yes Tenzou?’ In that soft, silvery way of his that can convince Tenzou of anything. And the sad slant of Kakashi's shadow has the wrong words coming out of his mouth, just like always.

“one of your gloves ended up in the living room- don't forget it.”

And with that he's flopping back against his big empty bed, scowling because this happens every time. And he's helpless to stop it.

Kakashi nods, and steps silently through the threshold towards the indicated room to collect his missing glove, and leaves through the window a second later.

Tenzou stares at his ceiling a while before shaking his head and vowing to lock all of his windows. But he knows not even that can keep the jounin out- he's already snuck his way into Tenzou's heart, cementing his roots- and is gonna be a bitch to pull out.

The first bit of uprooting he does is lock his windows, and door and keep them that way. From what he has gauged over the last few years of dancing around Kakashi- he won't be back for at least two nights. Never in all the years of back and forth has Kakashi spent two consecutive nights with him.

So he knows he has that much time to be gone. If he gets a solo mission he might be able to stretch two and a half weeks and if he can line it up with Kakashi's schedule, possibly right around a month. Although as a standard jounin Kakashi's missions rarely last more than four days.

 _If I piggyback missions though…_ He hasn't tried this before, because he's never purposely tried to leave Kakashi hanging. But he decides that this approach is the best. He's always more focused right after missions, controlled. If there's any chance of him resisting it'll be on one of those days.

Nodding to himself he pulls on his clothes, setting out for the day and deciding to swing by the jounin schedule.

‘Just looking to see who’s around’ he tells Genma easily when the ex anbu asks what he's looking at the board for.

Tenzou sighs when he sees Kakashi only has a few one and two day missions, the only substantial looking one later in the month.

“Tenzou,” Kakashi says, and Tenzou can practically hear the underlying question in the jounin’s voice. Tenzou straightens, glancing at the board one more time to memorize missions and enough to spot that Aoba's out.

“I was just checking to see when Aoba gets back.” he tells Kakashi, eyeing the board a touch confused. It's not a complete lie, and so Kakashi doesn't seem to pick it up. “We were going to try and catch up sometime soon, but it looks like our schedules won't line up for at least another month.”

The disappointment in his voice is genuine. Aoba's one of his closest friends in the village.

Kakashi raises a pale eyebrow. Leaning back against the doorframe casually, before tilting his head to drag his gaze lazily over the board. 

"Lots of missions coming up?” Kakashi questions lightly, his grey eye meeting Tenzou's. Tenzou shifts a touch, uncomfortable at revealing information like this, even to Kakashi. So instead he gives a brief incline of his head.

“It'd appear that way,” he agrees, “although as you know, nothing's set in stone.”

“Except the Hokage’s faces,” Kakashi quips, his eyes curving up into deceptively pleased crescents. Tenzou can tell, having studied Kakashi throughout the years, that the jounins shoulders are too tense and that there's a hint of wariness in the air that he can't quite figure out.

 _He knows I lied_. Is Tenzou's first guess, and it's the most likely cause of the slight tension in the air, but Kakashi doesn't comment and Tenzou's not willing offering more info.

So instead with a polite smile and nod, he starts making his way out.

He can't say he's exactly surprised when Kakashi's arm, so casually and unthreatening, slings itself around him. Kakashi's always touching him- even when it's obvious he isn't condoning it- like now when he's trying to leave the missions room. And Iruka's eyeing them nosily from the one desk in the room and all Tenzou wants is for Kakashi to _stop_ stringing him along.

“Any plans for tonight?” This question, however is very unexpected. But entirely predictable if Tenzou had thought about it.

With another taxingly civil smile, he shrugs.

“I was hoping to get a night of peace and quiet before I leave. I still have a library book that's nearly due and I haven't finished it yet, so I'll probably end up reading the whole night to get through it.”

Kakashi blinks and Tenzou figures for the first time he's given an excuse that even Kakashi can't wheedle his way into. Especially since Kakashi's been known to use the same one.

His grey eye widens in surprise as he realizes this and it's enough for Tenzou to ease away from him and out the door.

Iruka's eavesdropping isn't subtle at all and Kakashi throws a quick glare at the chunin before leaving. Cursing himself because Tenzou must have multiple missions back to back and that makes _their_ schedule stupidly complicated to figure out. Especially when all he has to go off of is Aoba’s schedule since he's no longer allowed in anbu headquarters and Tenzou's trying to avoid him.

The knowledge that it could be another month before he sees Tenzou makes him feel so anxious he nearly goes to Tenzou's apartment to… well that's just it, he isn't sure what he'd even do there.

He knows he'd want to sit and talk and possibly just stare at the other man for hours. But that's not a very feasible option and sex is the only time Kakashi can get his Kohai to relax. And it's all so stupidly complicated and he hates it. And he's not sure how to tell Tenzou he wants to hang out, or that he wants to stay, because he hates to intrude. And so he just stands there stupidly for a few long seconds before trying to find Tenzou again.

It's in the village square he spots him, and tracks the chestnut brown hair until they're right at the edge of the village, drawing nearer to anbu headquarters. It's three steps into the forest that Tenzou pauses and turns his head ever so slightly, his shoulders falling a touch.

“Kakashi,” he says, and it's clear from his voice that he's not exactly pleased to him. And if that isn't just a kunai to the gut, Kakashi isn't sure what is.

“Tenzou I…” he trails off, wondering why it's so difficult to talk to his favorite person in the world. _Because you know you're being selfish if you ask for anything else_. His mind tells him, and so he stares vacantly at the surrounding forest, unable to speak.

“Kakashi, I need to leave,” Kakashi wonders when it was that Tenzou lost his patience with him. _You deserve it._ That same inner voice tells him and so he nods.

“Be careful on your mission,” That seems to strike something in Tenzou at least, because the man’s turning to appraise him with steady brown eyes. His expression warming, just a touch.

“Always,” he agrees, and the solemness of just that one word makes Kakashi feel like the world isn't quite so bleak and soul-suckingly awful. The way Tenzou's eyes burn with the brightness of a promise he intends to keep. And it gives Kakashi the courage to move forward and tilt Tenzou into a split second, masked kiss.

And when he smiles at the slightly shell-shocked Tenzou, it's a genuine smile for what feels like the first time in far too long.

“I'll see you around,” he says, but he knows his voice is too uncertain, too vaguely questioning for Tenzou to not notice. And Tenzou does notice, if the way his hand settles on Kakashi's wrist to turn him back around, is any indication.

“Kakashi I think we should talk,” Kakashi can feel his whole body go rigid and that ceaseless panic starting to rise up in him as he turns to meet Tenzou's gaze with his own. The warmth he sees there only managing to settle him a bit. “come over tonight,”

And the panic’s back because Tenzou’s probably going to tell him off for something or admit that he doesn't feel the same anymore and Kakashi isn't sure he can deal with all the rejection.

“What about your book?” he finds himself asking, and his voice is thick with confusion and dread and too much feeling, “I didn't want to disturb you… especially if you'll be on missions for awhile.”

Tenzou blinks before giving him a reassuring smile.

“This won't take very long,” he says and Kakashi assumes the man is trying to ease him, but his words have only made the anxiety in Kakashi grow.

“I-” Kakashi isn't sure what he wants to say, because he wants to argue it's unfair of Tenzou to call him to his house just to cut him loose, “whatever it is... surely you can say it now.”

Tenzou eyes him in confusion, his brows knotted into the line that means he doesn't understand what's happening and that he's trying to trace back through the conversation to where wires got crossed.

“I think it'd be better in a private space,” Tenzou disagrees, his voice careful. And for the second time in as many minutes, Kakashi ends up being bold out of fear.

“If you're going to dump me, might as well just do it here.”

Tenzou opens his mouth in shock, before nearly bursting with nervous laughter.

“What?” He says as if he has no idea what Kakashi's talking about.

And Kakashi opens his own mouth before he realizes something- something that makes this whole situation a lot more awkward.

He stares at Tenzou and Tenzou stares back.

And Kakashi realizes they haven't exactly ever talked about what's going on between them before, but he figured it was pretty clear cut. Considering he's been sneaking into Tenzou’s apartment for the last 7 or so years. But maybe it isn't so simple.

Kakashi digs his sandaled foot in the loose dirt and looks anywhere but at Tenzou.

“Kakashi,” Tenzou finally says, his voice a touch too stiff and his brown eyes boring into Kakashi's skull, clearly looking for answers, “what exactly do you think is going on between us?”

And it's these words that make Kakashi feel like he's going to be sick. Make his stomach hurt and his vision slightly blurry and-

“I thought-” he manages, but his words sound so choked to his own ears he has to cut them off. And his throat feels like sandpaper. Dry and rough and flaking with dread.

“You thought we were in a _relationship_?” Tenzou says, still staring, his brown eyes so expressive and softly apologetic that Kakashi very nearly doubles over.

Because Kakashi can hear, clear as day, the words he's not saying. _You thought you **meant** something to me? You thought you were anything more than a quick screw? That I'd ever love someone like you? These last few years were just us fooling around… you didn't realize that?_

And it is an absolutely awful thing to realize- that him and Tenzou haven't been in a relationship. He'd imagined that part up. And so he can only stand there, his words repeating because that's the only thing he can say.

“...I thought…” “...I thought…” _that you loved me_.

“We never talked about- relationships or anything like that.”

Kakashi can only stare, because they hadn't. But he'd thought they didn't need words.

When he'd turned to Tenzou that first time and started to ask, the other man had nodded, had said ‘of course’ with so much sincerity Kakashi'd believed him.

“I asked you that first time-” Kakashi manages, and Tenzou's eyes widen. Because he had thought Kakashi was telling him to keep what had happened between them. To now know Kakashi had been asking for them to be a couple- is completely overwhelming.

“You always left,” Tenzou accuses, as if this alone means that Kakashi couldn't possibly have thought they'd been together.

It takes Kakashi a long time to respond. And when he does, his voice is unnervingly devoid of emotion.

“You kept hinting that you liked your privacy, and never invited me to... And when I asked if you wanted me to stay-you said no.” Kakashi's voice tapers off at the end, like he too can't believe how badly they'd both fucked up.

“But you- I never-”

“It hurt at first that you never came to see me, that I always had to make the first move. But I figured you were just more comfortable that way. I didn't realize-” _I didn't realize that you never even wanted me in the first place._

Tenzou stills, stills for so long in fact that Kakashi has to sit down and press his face to his knees to stop the nausea rolling over him. It feels a bit like he's dying, and it's from both embarrassment and heartache. Only made worse by the fact that he knows he's been a fool. That he had seen _pity_ in Tenzou's eyes, pity because he's pathetic. And now they both know it.

And the knowledge makes him want to stab a few katana through his abdomen to carve the hurting parts out. Because right now he is entirely humiliated and wants nothing more than to flee. Make a nice big nest of sorrow in his apartment and hide in it for the next few decades at least.

“We're going to hash this out right now,” Tenzou says, and his voice has regained some of its composure, but Kakashi's not going to speak ever again if he can help it.

The air swirls with chakra as Tenzou performs a quick jutsu, sending a clone to the meeting he's supposed to be in.

It's then he seems to take in the sight of Kakashi, whose face has turned just as ashen as his hair. And realizes, as much as this misunderstanding has hurt him- it's a thousand times worse for Kakashi, who's been dealing with his rebuffs and distancing for years, and now learns that their whole time together wasn't actually a relationship.

Tenzou takes a few steps towards Kakashi, crouching down to touch the other man's shoulder gently. The way Kakashi flinches back- as though expecting an attack-makes something unhinge itself in Tenzou's heart.

“Kakashi, all these years I thought all you wanted from me was sex. And I was happy to give that every time just to be near you. That first night… I thought you were asking me to keep quiet about what had happened. And I wanted you to know I would- that I could and would stay quiet, that you didn't have to fear anyone else finding out. I wanted... you to know that I was open to letting it happen again. And you looked so relieved after- you said ' _perfect'_ , and it _hurt_ because I wanted more. So when you asked if I wanted you to stay I told you no. And when you grabbed my hand or joked around I snapped because it seemed like you were mocking me. And I never approached you because-”

“You thought I only wanted you when I wanted you.”

Kakashi's expression is horrified. Tenzou nods.

“Yes, but I always wanted more.” Kakashi stares off, his gaze distant.

“I'm sorry I hurt you,” Kakashi says, so softly and sadly it brings goosebumps to Tenzou’s skin, “I was a coward for not ever asking again… but I just figured with how you were acting that you would change your mind- that you wanted to keep everything professional and distant and I wanted to respect that… I'm sorry I wasted 7 years of your life.”

Tenzou can feel his whole body starting to shake at the bleakness of Kakashi's grey eye. The- _despair_. Despair he’s spent years putting there because he assumed the worst years before- last night, even. And Kakashi feels guilty for always assuming the best in him.

Tenzou doesn't ask why Kakashi never told him how he felt- looking back on his actions proves just how much of an absolute prick he's been throughout the years. He was trying to protect himself from his own heartbreak, without ever realizing Kakashi was patiently waiting and loving him all along.

Tenzou doesn't know how to handle this, but he can see Kakashi trying to stitch his nonchalance back together; build up another hundred walls between them, smooth over his heartache and pretend he's fine. And the love Tenzou has finally gives him the courage to tilt Kakashi's head up and confess.

“I love you,” and it's such a simple phrase, and means so much and when he sees Kakashi's eye widen with surprise, the tense walls softly fade from view as he breathes out a harsh breath.

Tenzou can't help the smile tugging at his lips.

“I love you Kakashi.” he says again, and then another time after that, because he loves the way the words dance in the sunlight. How they breathe and grow as the wind sweeps them through Kakashi's hair and down to caress a masked cheek.

Kakashi's mouth opens and before Tenzou can understand what's happening Kakashi's mask is down and the jounin’s on top of him. Heavy and warm and alive, with tiny rivers paving down to the waterfall of his chin.

“I love you too, Tenzou.” he promises and the words burst with life as their lips meet.

And it's just as liberating as Tenzou knew it would be. So he can only laugh and tell Kakashi again and again, the words he finally lets out into the open.

The words that have been scratching at his tongue, and clambering in his mouth, begging to escape for all these years. _I love you._

And in the silent seconds between them where the words are no longer needed, because the knowledge has taken their place- the knowledge that _yes_ they are in love. And no, they won't be alone any longer. It's these silent seconds at 2 pm that make Tenzou's heart absolutely _ache_.


End file.
